Am I selfish?

Four ways of putting yourself first

Being fair and modest with others is part of everyone’s personality, like being outgoing or tidy, and everyone has some of it.¹ The 40 questions here cover four sides of it, ten each, mixed together.²

Buttering people up asks how often you flatter, put on a show, say what people want to hear or go along with whoever is in charge. Some of that is about getting ahead, and some is closer to keeping the peace. Rules asks whether you’d keep what isn’t yours or cheat to get ahead. Wanting more asks how much you’re drawn to nice things, being looked up to, power and staying young. Showing off asks how much you like attention and rate yourself above others.

The questions ask about your own reasons: why you paid a compliment, how you’d feel after taking something. Nobody else can see those, which is why the test only works on yourself. Answer it for a partner or an ex and you’re guessing at their reasons. It can’t settle who was to blame in one argument either, and it can’t show whether anyone has a personality disorder. That takes long conversations with a doctor or psychologist who knows the person.

Who you’re being compared with

Each part is set against a comparison group: 411 American adults from one area of Oregon, who answered nearly the same questions between 1994 and 2003 in a long-running study.¹ “Higher than about 7 in 10 people” means your average came out above 7 of every 10 of them. People in other countries, or younger people today, might answer differently, and the people who keep the question collection warn that ready-made comparisons like this one often mislead.³

Those 411 people also gave themselves very kind answers, most of all on rules. Across those ten questions, their usual answer sat between “Not like me at all” and “Not really like me”.¹ So if you picked “In between” a lot, your rules dot will land higher than most, even if you rarely bend a rule in real life. Everyone is tempted by the nice answer. You have less reason to give in to it here: your answers stay in your browser, and nobody will see what you picked.

So, are you selfish?

Your dots answer that one part at a time. A dot near the middle means you put yourself first on that part about as much as most people. A dot far to the right shows where you lean toward yourself more than most. With ten questions per part, each dot is rough: on another day it could sit a little to either side, and someone who knows you well might put it a little higher or lower.¹

A question to ask about your highest dot

Look at the part where your dot sits furthest right. Think of one time in the past month when that side of you helped you, and one time it cost someone else something. If only the first comes to mind, ask yourself whether the other person would tell it the same way.

If you’re here because of something said in a fight, read what it means when someone calls you selfish, or worse. If your dot for showing off caught your eye, try a quick sum of how many people you’d beat at what you do best.