He pulls away, then comes back: what hot and cold means

Last weekend they were all in. Long messages, a voice note that made you laugh on the bus, talk of a trip to the coast next month. Then the replies shrank to a word or two, a plan you’d made fell through with a vague excuse, and you started wondering what you’d said. A week later they’re back, warm and funny, as if the quiet spell never happened. And you’re relieved, which annoys you, because you know it will probably happen again.

When someone keeps blowing hot and cold, it usually means they’re of two minds about you. Part of them is drawn to you. Another part is wary of getting closer, unsure the relationship is what they want, or happy to keep you around without promising anything. The messages won’t tell you which, and reading them more closely won’t either. What you can do is ask once, plainly, and then decide what you’re willing to live with.

The search box says “he”, but this happens in every direction. Everything below goes for whoever is doing the pulling away.

Why the pattern hooks you

The pull you feel has a plain explanation. Psychologists who study learning have long known that a reward which comes after an unpredictable number of tries keeps people going far longer than one that comes every time. It’s the reason slot machines are so hard to walk away from: you never know when the next win is coming.¹ A warm message after days of silence works in a similar way. Because you can’t predict it, you keep checking.

Not knowing where you stand also keeps someone on your mind. In an experiment at the University of Virginia, 47 female students were shown the Facebook profiles of men who had supposedly looked at their own profile. Some were told the men liked them a lot, others that the men liked them about average, and a third group was told it might be either. That third group thought about the men more than the women who knew they were liked a lot did. They also liked the men more than either of the other groups.²

That was a short lab task with strangers, and the authors themselves said they didn’t know whether the effect would last once people actually met. Still, it fits a feeling many people know. Guessing feels like interest, even when it’s mostly worry.

Which of these sounds like you?

• You’ve only been on a few dates
• They pull back right after you get closer
• You’ve split up and got back together more than once
• They don’t want a relationship, but they keep in touch
• You’re the one who runs hot and cold

You’ve only been on a few dates

Early on, hot and cold is often just mixed interest. They like you enough to reply when they’re bored or lonely or in a good mood, and not enough to make you a priority. They may be talking to other people too. None of that makes them a bad person, but it does mean you’re getting a fair reading of where you stand.

At this stage, look at what they do and not at how they sound. Do they suggest meeting? Do plans actually happen? A charming message on a Sunday evening weighs less than a date that gets moved three times. If replies drop off altogether, our piece on someone who suddenly stops texting covers what to send and how long to wait.

They pull back right after you get closer

This version can be the most confusing: a lovely weekend, the first “I really like you”, meeting their friends, and then a cold spell. For some people, closeness itself is what feels uncomfortable. In a national survey of American adults, about 1 in 4 described themselves as uneasy getting close to others and depending on them.³ Researchers call this an avoidant attachment style.

A study from Yale shows one way it works. Newly married couples kept a diary for five days of the favours and kindnesses they gave and received. The more avoidant someone had been before the wedding, the more they saw their partner’s kindness as done out of duty, even after taking into account how freely the partner said it was given. In a second experiment, people who were simply nudged into feeling avoidant saw a friend’s favours the same way.⁴ The researchers’ idea is that if a kindness feels like duty, you don’t have to lean on it, so keeping your distance feels safer.

That explains the pattern, but it doesn’t excuse it. Someone who backs off whenever things get good can still tell you what’s happening, and you can still decide whether you want to keep riding it out. Some people with this pattern relax as their trust grows, and some don’t.

You’ve split up and got back together more than once

You’re far from alone. In a study of young adults around Toledo, Ohio, nearly half of those who were dating or living with someone, or had been recently, had split up with that partner and got back together at least once.⁵

A team at the University of Texas surveyed 211 people who were dating, some in relationships that kept splitting up and getting back together and some not. The on and off couples had got back together between two and three times on average. They were less satisfied, felt more let down by the relationship and were less sure where it stood. But they weren’t different people: on attachment and the other traits the team measured, the two groups looked much the same. The researchers suggested that how the two partners deal with each other, and with conflict, may explain more.⁶

So if you keep going back, the useful question is what happens between you two each time it breaks, and whether anything is different this round. If the same argument ends it every time, getting back together without settling it is likely to end the same way.

They don’t want a relationship, but they keep in touch

They’ve said it out loud: they’re not looking for anything serious. But the messages keep coming, they still want to see you, and sometimes it feels a lot like dating. This version can hurt the most, because the warm part feels like evidence that they’ll change their mind.

Take the words at face value. “I don’t want a relationship” means what it says, at least for now. Staying in touch costs them very little, and it keeps something pleasant going without any promise. People can feel real warmth for you and still not want more, both at once. In a study from the University of Utah and the University of Toronto, people thinking about leaving a relationship were asked for their reasons, and about half had reasons to stay and reasons to go at the same time.⁷ Being torn is common. It’s also no reason for you to wait around while they make up their mind.

You’re the one who runs hot and cold

Maybe you searched this because someone accused you of it, and part of you recognises it. In that same Utah study, one of the top reasons people gave for wanting to leave was a partner pulling away.⁷ So the other person probably feels it more than you think.

You don’t need to have it all worked out to be fair. Try telling them something true and simple: “I like you, and I get nervous when things move fast”, or “I’m not sure I want a relationship, and I don’t want to keep you guessing.” It gives them what they need to decide for themselves. Going quiet and coming back without a word leaves them doing all the guessing.

How to ask what they want

Pick a calm moment in one of the warm spells, not right after a silence when you’re hurt. Say it in person if you can, or in one short message if not. Describe the pattern without blaming them, then ask one question: “We have great weeks and then it goes quiet, and I never know where I stand. What are you looking for with me?”

Then listen to the answer you get, not the one you hoped for. “I don’t know” is an answer. So is a change of subject, or a joke and a kiss. If they say they want what you want, watch whether the next few weeks look different. If they say yes and nothing changes, go by what they do.

Doesn’t keeping someone guessing just make you more attractive?

Dating advice has said so for decades, and the Virginia experiment above seemed to agree.² A later set of six studies by a team in Israel and the US tested it more directly, in online chats with strangers and in established couples. Not knowing where they stood made the other person less sexually appealing, but only when that person seemed uninterested, and a clear sign of interest made them more appealing. The same held in long-term couples: feeling sure of each other went with more desire.⁸

So uncertainty may keep someone on your mind for a while, as the Virginia study found. That’s different from wanting to be with them, and over time feeling sure of each other seems to win.

Setting your own line

You can’t decide how someone else feels. You can decide how much uncertainty you’ll live with, and for how long. Some people are happy with something light that comes and goes. Others want to know, after a couple of months, whether this is going somewhere. Either is fine, as long as it’s your choice and not the default you slid into.

Make it concrete. Decide what you need, such as plans that happen, a reply within a day or two, or a clear yes or no about being exclusive, and how long you’re willing to wait for it. Then act on it when the time comes. If the cold spells are what’s wearing you down, the overthinking test shows how much your mind tends to circle compared with other people’s.

And if you’ve asked plainly, waited a fair while and the pattern hasn’t changed, take the pattern as your answer. If they come back later having really changed, you’ll see it in what they do, and you can decide then what it’s worth to you.

Sources (8)

1. Spielman, R. M., Jenkins, W. J., and Lovett, M. D. (2020). Psychology 2e, section 6.3: Operant conditioning. OpenStax, Rice University. openstax.org Back to the text
2. Whitchurch, E. R., Wilson, T. D., and Gilbert, D. T. (2011). “He loves me, he loves me not...”: Uncertainty can increase romantic attraction. Psychological Science, 22(2), 172-175. Read the study Back to the text
3. Mickelson, K. D., Kessler, R. C., and Shaver, P. R. (1997). Adult attachment in a nationally representative sample. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(5), 1092-1106. 59% secure, 25% avoidant, 11% anxious. Read the study Back to the text
4. Beck, L. A., and Clark, M. S. (2010). Looking a gift horse in the mouth as a defense against increasing intimacy. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 46(4), 676-679. Read the study Back to the text
5. Halpern-Meekin, S., Manning, W. D., Giordano, P. C., and Longmore, M. A. (2013). Relationship churning in emerging adulthood: On/off relationships and sex with an ex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 28(2), 166-188. 792 young adults aged 17-24 in Lucas County, Ohio. Read the study Back to the text
6. Dailey, R. M., Zhong, L., Pett, R., Scott, D., and Krawietz, C. (2020). Investigating relationship dispositions as explanations for on-again/off-again relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(1), 201-211. Read the study Back to the text
7. Joel, S., MacDonald, G., and Page-Gould, E. (2018). Wanting to stay and wanting to go: Unpacking the content and structure of relationship stay/leave decision processes. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 9(6), 631-644. Read the study Back to the text
8. Birnbaum, G. E., Kanat-Maymon, Y., Mizrahi, M., Barniv, A., Nagar, S., Govinden, J., and Reis, H. T. (2018). Are you into me? Uncertainty and sexual desire in online encounters and established relationships. Computers in Human Behavior, 85, 372-384. Read the study Back to the text

About these sources. Sources 1, 2, 4 and 5 were read in full. For sources 3 and 8 the findings come from the published summaries, for source 8 also from the University of Rochester news release (2018). Source 6 is described from its published summary and a PsyPost report on the paper (2.66 get-backs on average among the on and off couples), with the paper’s details from the journal record. Source 7’s findings (27 reasons to stay, 23 to leave, about half with reasons both ways, partner withdrawal among the top reasons to leave) come from the University of Utah news release on the paper (2017). The share who got back together (nearly half) is the wording of source 5’s own summary; the paper’s table gives 44.8% for the current or most recent relationship.